Thursday, 30 May 2013
Where Did You Go?
I didn't notice as you started to change. As he attached himself to you and started to change your view. Still, everyone changes though don't they?
Then you started to talk differently. Your outlook changed. Positivity disappeared. Defensiveness and bitterness growing like a weeds around you. Choking out the last pieces of you that I knew. It got so I could barely reach you, but still I tried to cling on.
They started dropping like flies. Your friends. Your family. As one by one your actions became stranger. I stood by you. Saw it from a neutral position. I tried to mediate. I apologised for you. I tried to build bridges for you, but every time you burned them.
According to you there was only ever one side. Yours. I see now you wanted me to be like you. To turn my back on everyone but you. I could not. Would not. Then came the day I knew in my heart would come. You would not tolerate my tolerance any more. For the last time you asked me to choose. To walk away with you and leave everything else behind. Yet still I would not choose. So you chose for me. You cut me out of your life like all those before me. Like I was a wart. Vile. To be removed and never thought of again.
I tried to reason with you, but the girl who could be reasoned with had gone. Someone else I really didn't know stood in her place. Would I do it differently if I had the chance again? No. My decision would be the same. I could never give up everything I knew for someone I did not know anymore.
Yet still I miss you. The real you. The you who went on thrilling teenage midnight walks, of talking until the sun came up, of shared Saturday jobs and trying to be grown ups in fishnet tights and dog collars at the local rock club.
A fixture in my life for so long. I wonder if you really could have simply disappeared before my eyes. I can't believe that you are gone forever. That you aren't still somewhere, the girl you used to be. So if you're there, if you come back...know that I am still here. Your friend. Even if you can't make it all the way, then maybe we could meet in the middle. Maybe find a new route to get to where we once were. I'm holding my hand out, I'd love for you to take it. Whatever path you choose, I wish you well.